I want to talk about me, want to talk about I...

This has been an post that's been in the works for about 7 to 8 months now. I certainly don't have all the answers on this topic, but I've had a humbling 6-8 months where I had to realize that not only was my world view was me-centric. There have been many discoveries of late but there are two points I really want to highlight:

1. "Self-Centeredness" is a behavior not a character trait
2. Most self-centered people are clueless about their behavior

Take Toby Keith's 2001 hit, "I want to talk about me," for example:

If you watch the music video you'll notice, once you get past chuckling over the 90s mullets, that this girl is completely oblivious to how her behavior is making him feel. She's just sharing everything she's thinking about without any regard to how that impacts the world around her.

Therein lies the challenge. Someone with a me-centric world view inherently is not accurately assessing, in real time or otherwise, how their behavior impacts other people. Let's pause for a second: selfishness like all behaviors operates on a sliding scale.

Breaking It Down

I initially started this section by talking about myself (lol), which is also why this post has been in drafts for 6 months and gone through a multitude of edits. "The point is not that I've had valleys, the point is that I've gone THROUGH the valleys." I had someone close to me give me a really hard wake up call. But even after that I needed to recognize the behaviors that needed to change. So perhaps if you recognize a few of these characteristics...

You might have a "me-centric" world view if…

1. If your first thought in a situation is how it effects you
2. If you often find yourself trying to push or force what you want
3. If you interrupt people often
   I used to justify interrupting people by telling myself -and others- that what this person was saying was stimulating my brain and I wanted to share what they made me think of!  I was just so excited to share! My memory wasn't great and if I didn't share right then, I'd forget it and lose the thought.  What this doesn't take into account is how interrupting makes the other person feel and the corresponding message it sends.  Take a second a think, have you ever had someone consistently interrupt you?  Weren't you also excited to share what you had to say...but never got the chance because someone kept talking over you?  And how exactly did you feel in that situation? Mmmhmm.
4. If you have a tendency to build on people's stories with your own exciting experiences, also known as one-uping
   (side note: Sharing is a part of dialog and it's what keeps a good flow back in forth.  It's the way in which we share that matters.  My intention was never to one up someone with my stories. 'How is what I'm saying being perceived?' matters just as much as, 'What are my true intentions with saying this?'  When we fail to engage with the stories others share with us and quickly talk about our own experiences I've learned that it makes people feel as if what they say doesn't matter all that much. 
5. If you keep score.
   When you give, you do so with the underlying expectation that something will come out of it. Not immediately, but you're mentally keeping score.  Or, that you give in order to be recognized for the kind deed that you've done. 

This isn't an exhaustive list, but it's a few things to look for. Once it was brought to my attention that I had an unbalanced ego and that my perceptions were out of whack, the next question was: "Okay, now what?"

Shifting Out Of a Me-Centric World View

1. Start monitoring your thought process.
   When I assessed a situation I tried to practice thinking about how each party would be impacted by various decisions.  
2. "Being right is important when it matters, but most time, it really doesn't matter."
   5 years from now, will it make a big difference what the outcome of this interaction is? Does it really matter if this plays out the way that I want?  I realized it's okay to have an opinion, but to be really open to hearing what other people had to say.  
3. The Rule of Two
   This is a new discovery I found in the book, "Partnership Is The New Leadership," by Ty Bennett. Before saying anything about yourself or contributing a personal story, ask the person at least two questions about what they've told you. I've found that overtime I've begun to let go of the need to always be heard.
4. Not being legalistic and over extreme with any of these things.
   This is all about promoting balance.  When we go to the other extreme and NOTHING is about us, it's also unhealthy.  It's not that you can't ever use the words I and me,  or that you can't do the things that you want. It doesn't mean you don't think about yourself. To emphasize again, this simply to promote balance.
5. Give Anonymously to cultivate the thought process of giving without expectation.
   Bob Burg and David Mann open up the book, "Go-Givers Sell More," with the Law of Value: Your true worth is determined by how much more you give in value than you take in payment. There's a segment in there that I would like to share:

• Classic business operates by billiard-ball logic: every action has an equal and opposite reaction. You give me a hundred dollars and I’ll give you a hundred dollars’ worth of lumber. You loan me a thousand dollars and I pay you back a thousand dollars plus interest (that’s friction)...Managing relationships based on the billiard-ball logic of economics isn’t very practical, though. It’s good for keeping track of widgets, foot-pounds, and minutes on the clock, but not of people and their interactions. We try anyway: “I did the dishes last night; tonight it’s your turn.” (Every action has an equal and opposite reaction, right?) And for a while, it can seem like it’s working—but it never does in the long term. In the effort to keep score accurately, the arithmetic invariably breaks down. “What most people call win-win,” Sam tells Joe in The Go-Giver, “is really just a disguised way of keeping track. Making sure we all come out even, that nobody gets the advantage. I scratched your back, so now you owe me.” The secret, says Sam, is to stop keeping score. Managing a relationship with a scorecard doesn’t work because nobody can ever measure up to the subjectivity of another’s billiard-ball calculations.
• Burg, Bob. Go-Givers Sell More (pp. 24-25). Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition. 

Expanding Your Thought Process

I think everyone needs to read the book, "Go-Givers Sell More," regardless of whether or not they're involved in sales. The whole point of the book is that sales is about building healthy and successful friendships and relationships. Both of the later are things we all want. I put off reading this forever because I didn't think I needed it. I wish I had picked it up years ago. There's one other important point I want to make. This entire concept is about balance. If you go from making everything about you to swinging to the totally other side of the spectrum where you make nothing about you then I have failed. Pride, ego, and confidence are all important and healthy when in balance. The goal is to help you to understand that if you're viewing the world from a selfish stand point you can and should change but it doesn't mean you stop wanting things for yourself.

• There is an assumption, often unspoken, that there exists a fundamental contradiction between self-interest and altruism. That is, you may be acting for others’ benefit, or for your own—but not both at once. If you accept this treacherous dichotomy, then every time you pick up the phone or walk across a room to talk with a prospective customer, your subconscious has to conclude either: 

1. I am greedy, manipulative, and focused purely on my own personal gain at this person’s expense—or 
2. I am big-hearted and generous, on a mission to serve this person, and therefore must deny my own interests and avoid any hint of a result that could actually benefit me.

• But this is a false dilemma. Not only are self- interest and altruism not in conflict, but in fact, they are two sides of the same coin. Having a giving spirit does not mean having a spirit of self-sacrifice or martyrdom. The martyr still sees the dualism between helping oneself and helping others, viewing these two as being in conflict. That’s not generosity: that’s just being a card-carrying codependent. The true giver sees no such conflict. The true giver knows that giving is a tide that raises all ships, and that it allows you to be a person of value to others while doing very well for yourself.
• Burg, Bob. Go-Givers Sell More (pp. 30-31). Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition. 

If you want to become someone that lifts others up allowing them to leave you feeling better about themselves then you must learn to consider others. True leadership begins with learning to lead oneself. When we learn that giving and considering others doesn't require us to stop considering ourselves we're able to move not only ourselves forward, but everyone around us. So go ahead and love yourself, but love everyone around you too. Recognize that selfishness is not a character trait, it does not define you. Selfishness is a behavior pattern and we have a responsibility to strive for improvement.

"Today, I give myself grace for who I was yesterday. I am that person no longer for today is a new day. Today I will take action to be better than I have been before. Tomorrow I will awake and give myself grace for who I am today. I will take action to be even better tomorrow than I am today. It is through these small daily actions that I will create positive change in my life. As a penny compounded over 30 days creates $10 million so will these small daily actions compound to create a multitude of value in my life. Today I give myself grace for who I was yesterday but move forward with dogged determination to be better than I have been before. Today I am new and today I will act."